Getting Out of the Black Hole

I wonder if it feels like this for everyone.

It feels empty. It feels like there is no point to getting out of bed in the morning. I haven't felt this way in quite some time and this time I feel it for different reasons.

One week ago today I left my job to take an indefinite "vacation." They wouldn't let me quit, so I stepped down and was granted my vacation time so I wouldn't lose it. This is the first time in 7 years that I haven't worked at least 25 hours a week.

One person in my family knows that I'm not working right now, unfortunately, that person is not the one whom I live with, so everyday I get out of bed, I get ready for my day, I go "to work" and I find myself wandering around town trying to figure out what I am going to do all day.

The first few days weren't too bad. But now, at the end of my first week I find myself listless, wanting to shout to the roof tops that I'm not working, that I don't want to leave my house, but I don't because that would mean telling my family that I failed, that I couldn't handle it, that I'm not good enough. It would mean them worrying about me and I don't want that--any of that.

So what do I do?

I'm losing my mind pretending that I work everyday. Finding things to do is harder than it seems. I regularly find myself sitting at Panera and using their internet to do some job hunting. But after a while, the job hunting gets boring, it gets tedious and I need change, but I realize I don't have a choice; I need a job.

You would think that it would be a huge sense of relief to wake up every morning and not have any place to be or any responsibility, but it's not. Maybe I'm just a little bit different than everyone else, but I need that and I feel completely lost without it.

Hmmm.

It seems that this lovely working world that I am attempting to integrate myself in to doesn't seem to think that my experience is good enough, but no one wants to give me a job so that I can get the experience that I need. It's a lovely stuck little predicament that I have. It's as if I am stuck in a hole and in the process of trying to climb out I just fall right back in. I was relieved when I (tried to) quit my job. The first day the weight of the world was off my shoulders and I felt that much closer to getting out of that hole and now, I misstepped and I'm right back where I started--trying to climb my way out with nothing to hold on to.

Everything in life right now is a little fuzzy, but there is one thing that I know very clearly. There is one thing that I can promise everyone--I WILL get myself out of this hole, I WILL be happy.

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