The Grinch

So, we have all heard about the Grinch. We've all seen his movie and he is quite the adorable character when he falls in love with Cindy Who....

I used to love Christmas as a kid, at least that's the way I remember it. My parents were divorced so I would get to open presents on the 23rd at my aunt's house with my mom, Christmas Eve at my mom's house, Christmas morning at my dad's house and then Christmas afternoon at my grandparent's house. It was a never ending Christmas. Then one day, all of that stopped. My mom became more concerned with whomever her current beau was, my friends became more concerned with their beaus, my sister wanted her own Christmas with her kids and then there was me.

Over the years, Christmas became less of spending time together and more of a chore.

It became more of me trying to figure out what I could buy mother that would finally make her happy. Although it seems an impossible task, every year I buy my mother as much as possible on her Christmas list and every year I practice the negative responses my mother will give to each of those gifts so that I am fully prepared for the outcome ahead. Not once in all of my years since I can remember, have I every imagined my mother being happy with something I've given her. Year in and year out, whatever I get her, all that I get her, just never seems to be good enough. It always seems to be that the one thing on her list that I don't get is the one thing that would have made her happy.

That chore, in recent years, has extended to my sister. What can I buy my sister that she won't scoff or laugh at? My sister has turned Christmas from a family event to a let's see how greedy Sheena can be event. This became worse this year, since she is now single and short on money and my entire family seems to be aware of how well I am doing.

It would seem that my mother and sister are not proud of what I accomplished, but simply seeing dollar signs and my need for acceptance.

But what is it that makes me Grinch-like?

I dislike Christmas shopping. I love spending money on other people, so my dislike of Christmas shopping has me baffled.
I download Christmas music off of iTunes, then skip passed the songs when they play on my iPod.
The Christmas lights I used to love, now make me drive just a little bit faster.
This year I have watched at least a dozen Christmas movies on TV and each time it brings me no closer to having the "Christmas Spirit."
I loathe seeing Santa Claus at the mall.
I wish it were January.
I wish I were some religion that did not celebrate Christmas.

So, how do I find my Cindy Who? The one that will lead me to joy and happiness this Christmas season...the one that will ignite the Christmas spirit in me.

I haven't been to Church regularly since I was five (when my mom met and married her second husband). I don't understand Church, the bible or anything about religion, but my instinct is that I dislike it, yet, it is one of my solutions to finding my Cindy Who.
I thought about volunteering--serving dinner at a soup kitchen would be ideal, but how could that help (not that it would hurt)?

And that is where my list of Cindy Who's ends...is there somewhere else I should be looking? Is there something else that I should be doing?

I want Christmas! I want the decorations, the tree, the lights, the fire, the presents under the tree, the hot cocoa. I want the smell of pine needles throughout the house. I want to live, breathe and drink Christmas. So how do I do that?

I am on a search to find my Cindy Who....wish me luck.

Getting Out of the Black Hole

I wonder if it feels like this for everyone.

It feels empty. It feels like there is no point to getting out of bed in the morning. I haven't felt this way in quite some time and this time I feel it for different reasons.

One week ago today I left my job to take an indefinite "vacation." They wouldn't let me quit, so I stepped down and was granted my vacation time so I wouldn't lose it. This is the first time in 7 years that I haven't worked at least 25 hours a week.

One person in my family knows that I'm not working right now, unfortunately, that person is not the one whom I live with, so everyday I get out of bed, I get ready for my day, I go "to work" and I find myself wandering around town trying to figure out what I am going to do all day.

The first few days weren't too bad. But now, at the end of my first week I find myself listless, wanting to shout to the roof tops that I'm not working, that I don't want to leave my house, but I don't because that would mean telling my family that I failed, that I couldn't handle it, that I'm not good enough. It would mean them worrying about me and I don't want that--any of that.

So what do I do?

I'm losing my mind pretending that I work everyday. Finding things to do is harder than it seems. I regularly find myself sitting at Panera and using their internet to do some job hunting. But after a while, the job hunting gets boring, it gets tedious and I need change, but I realize I don't have a choice; I need a job.

You would think that it would be a huge sense of relief to wake up every morning and not have any place to be or any responsibility, but it's not. Maybe I'm just a little bit different than everyone else, but I need that and I feel completely lost without it.

Hmmm.

It seems that this lovely working world that I am attempting to integrate myself in to doesn't seem to think that my experience is good enough, but no one wants to give me a job so that I can get the experience that I need. It's a lovely stuck little predicament that I have. It's as if I am stuck in a hole and in the process of trying to climb out I just fall right back in. I was relieved when I (tried to) quit my job. The first day the weight of the world was off my shoulders and I felt that much closer to getting out of that hole and now, I misstepped and I'm right back where I started--trying to climb my way out with nothing to hold on to.

Everything in life right now is a little fuzzy, but there is one thing that I know very clearly. There is one thing that I can promise everyone--I WILL get myself out of this hole, I WILL be happy.

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